DesignBender

The most important things in life can sometimes get shuffled around and misplaced. Things that really should matter get relegated to the back seat and everything that seems important is really just a temporary diversion from the truth. I’ve lived that firsthand all too often in the last few months. I’m sure you know the routine: Do what feels good instead of what feels right, abbreviate and draw outside the lines of reality and tell yourself that reality isn’t what we think it is. But in the end, its just that. Reality is living a true life, and we only have one life to live.

Someone reminded me this week of how very important it is to live our own lives. Maybe a better word is “urgent.” Time is of course infinite but our lives are very finite. We can’t add more than our allotted days and can do nothing to change the days we have already lived. To me that’s a sobering thought and one that makes me analyze where and how I spend my time. Maybe I should take a different course or choose a different method, but does that really matter? Isn’t the most important task in life to live the life we are given? And does the method we do so make any difference in the end? The short answer is “I don’t know.” For all the acquired knowledge of my life and all the experiences that I have, that simple answer surfaces far more often the older that I get. In theory it would seem that the older we get the more answers to life we would have, but with me at least, life seems to provide many more questions than answers. There was a time in my life where I wished to be younger, but not anymore. I see youth as a curse as much as a blessing. Our ability to sway from the truth seems so much easier when we are young and impressionable. We truly believe at the time that we won’t get old like our parents. We choose to believe that we will make better choices than those who came before us, yet all the surrounding evidence and proof says otherwise. When I was thirty I was convinced that I would have a great life and would accomplish great things. Almost two decades later I can attest to the fact that I failed to accomplish greatness and change the world. In short I merely survived. I say that not to fly the surrender flag but as a statement of fact. Obviously my life is not over, but the dream that was once so important to me has faded, maybe for good. Hopefully for good.

So what does that leave? In a sense it leaves just me. Whether I ever realized it before, I do now. Life is lived as a party of one. So many people have been a positive part of my life but in the end I’m the only one that can live this life. I’ve always known this deep down but for whatever reason, it never really made sense to me until this stage of life. When I was younger I dreamed of having a wife and kids. It was important for my psyche to have those things be in my life. Unfortunately, my longing to control my life led me to a marriage to someone I hardly knew, and a relationship that produced no future doctors, football players (Auburn of course), or ballerinas. And the reason for this: “I don’t know.” No matter how I analyze the situation, in the end it all comes down to my singular thinking and my desire to control my own destiny. Maybe if I had been a little older or a little wiser. Still, even if those things had transpired, that would not have changed the fact that my life has to necessarily dwell in this tired old body I possess. Back when I was thirty beauty was paramount in my choice of a mate. As a man I can say it was way more important than it should have been, as is the case for most men. At forty beauty got downgraded to match a woman’s personality, since by then we realize that no one is physically attractive forever. At fifty? I’m not quite there yet but I imagine that beauty may not make the top five at that point. Whatever the list may be, it can’t replace the “me” in my life. No one ever has or ever could live my life for me. It’s a party of one.

A week can usher so many things into your life that seem unimaginable before they happen. This week it was death. Once again, I found myself at two funerals within a week and rehashing the last year of my life as if watching an old movie. There’s an obvious sadness at funerals and I’ve often wondered if part of that sadness is the realization that we will each meet our own fate in due time. Many will reach their destination well before they planned. Some will live on and lose the loved ones around them. Neither case has merit. It would be pointless to worry about either situation since we have no control over either outcome. But still, we collectively as humans know that our day is coming ever closer and we wonder about that moment.

Will the memory of me be fond? Don’t we all want to be remembered as being a good person, a moral person, a liked person? Don’t we all secretly hope that we will be genuinely missed? I know I do at least. But I also know that my actions have a direct bearing on that memory and much of it is in my control. Sounds so simple doesn’t it? And maybe, maybe, it is. It could be that the most simple thing yields the most satisfying result. What I’m suggesting is a renewed interest in gratitude. Jesus told his disciples a parable that was hard for them to grasp…

“Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.”

From the outside is seems plainly unfair for some to have and some not to have. But if you insert gratitude into the equation, it suddenly changes your perspective on the situation. Whoever has gratitude receives more, while he who has no gratitude receives nothing. For me that is a compelling argument for trying harder to be grateful for what I have in life. I read an excerpt from a book recently about a guy who purchased 365 thank you cards and mailed one each day thanking the people who had made his life special. That seems like a great way to start the process.

In a life that seems to have little control, its reassuring to me when I find something I can control. I can be gracious. I can thank God for what I have each and every day. I can tell the people in my life that I appreciate and care about them and that I’m grateful they are here. This I can do. And I will…

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

I’ve never been fond of memes. My self-obliging nature isn’t easily swayed to another point of view with feel-good quotes and pseudo psychology. Maybe the problem is that I’ve come to expect less from people instead of more, and with that attitude, they almost always deliver to my expectations. Every person we meet has a story. Some are good, some are boring, some tragic. Each of us also contains the mechanics of greatness. Attitude, ability, eagerness, truthfulness, and the list goes on. What seems to tangle everyone up is bringing those good qualities to the surface.

Maybe what a meme does is reach us at a core level that we can’t do on our own. Its as if we hear certain trigger words that bring a good quality or two swimming toward the surface where they breathe pure oxygen for a minute, then sink below the surface again waiting on their next ascent. Over and over I hear people who are inspired, truly inspired, talk about changes in their life, changes for good, changes for prosperity instead of pain, only to see them exchange the good a few days later for the bad. That’s a painfully hard thing to witness since I know that the exchange was voluntary and intentional.

Feel good psychology rarely has a lasting effect. To make real changes in life requires actually making real changes. Want to lose weight? Follow the diet. Want to be more financially secure? Make it a priority in your thoughts. Want to find love? Stop dating people you would never consider marrying. What we spend our time thinking is what we become. There’s no way around it. If you have a relationship on any level with another person, you are making an emotional investment that colors everything in your life. You can’t spend quality time with a drug addict and it not become a detriment to your own life. There is a very real and deep emotional attachment that we feel when we are with someone for an extended time. Attachment is great if its with someone who builds our character instead of destroying it. My wife and I shared that kind of attachment. When she passed away the attachment stayed and even now greatly shapes my actions and who I am. I’m not sure that will ever change, nor do I want it to.

This is not a call for everyone to think happy thoughts. Its a call for people to rely more on their own intuition and less on the mumblings of others. My mother used to tell me that I willed things into being with my intensity in thinking about it. I think that those things came about because I chose to not consider any option that wasn’t total success. So since that has worked for me in the past, I’m pretty darn confident that it will work for me again. Our life is for living and enjoying. No, its not all good all the time. I can attest to the fact that life can seem blatantly unfair at times, but I think you have to view life as whole cloth and not just the threads.

What I seek are things that scare me. Things that take me out of my comfort zone and force me to fight for it. No disrespect for anyone or their memes, but talk is cheap. I’m tired of listening to feel good theories and would rather just actually feel good. You know, this radical honesty thing is working pretty good…